February, 2004 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Ah, love is in the air. Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Well. Something is in the air. What is that smell?

If you are one of those fortunate fellers, then you have a regular girly girl to bestow gifts upon. You know the kind. The ones who like shopping, wear pretty underwear, and shave their legs. I think I do two out of those things.... on a good day. These girls love the perfume and the roses, scarf down gift chocolate like it was their last meal on Earth and coo over schlocky cards. If you want to give one of these girls a thrill, give them diamonds and see how long it takes for color to drain from her face as they desperately kiss you and search for a jeweler's loop at the same time.

I am not one of those girls. I like flowers, but they die. Anybody can get flowers. They are vaguey and universal enough that one can assume that you won't get in big trouble because the flowers don't fit, eating the flowers will make her fat, or the flowers were a little too slutty for her to wear comfortably in front of others. Chocolates aren't good, since the only joy I get from them is stuffing them in my face, and I can't be giving you good lovin' while I eat, and usually I'm too full to think about it afterwards. I only like one kind of perfume. It's expensive and French, and nobody ever gets me enough of it. Diamonds I would only ebay for computer money.

This last thing, in a round-a-bout way, brings me to what I DO want. The thing that makes my heart sing and my soul soar. The thing that keeps on giving, and the thing, should I receive it as a gift from you, will make me love you till the day I die, or till I sell it. Computer hardware.

YES. Yes. I am a geek girl. I think the best way to a girl's heart is through her hard drive. Big, beautiful computers. Lovely flat screen monitors. Honkin' huge hard drives. Diamonds may be Anna Nicole Smith's best friend, but a shiny dual processor is mine. And I positively guarantee I will bestow upon the giver the good lovin' involving dairy products and leather should you give me one for Valentines day. I'm just a hardware ho.

What better way to say, "Dear, I find you intelligent enough to operate a computer, AND precious enough to blow two grand on..." What girl couldn't resist the gleaming silver and smooth, straight lines of a new G5, or say a copy of Unreal Tournament and a kickin' new joystick? I know I would jump at the chance to play with a new, bigger joystick for Valentines day.

So. Here's a short guide on what to get your geek girl for Valentine's Day:

A computer game. Unreal Tournament is good because chances are its something you can do together. It's something that says, "I respect you, especially if you are armed." Plus it has the added advantage of actually providing her an arena to blow your head off with a bazooka, thus reducing the chance she will want to in real life should you keep leaving your dirty underwear on the floor or the toilet seat up. Sims is alright for the less violent woman, but it encourages her to make her own little virtual perfect man, and have total control over what he does, when he eats, where he goes to work. Now, I'm all for total domination of a man till he is a virtual automaton, but this is probably not a goal for most men when giving gifts, being turned into a cyber automaton vulnerable to my every whim. I don't think, anyway. If it is, just email me, and we'll talk.

An iSight. This is pretty safe as a concept. It says, "You're beautiful. I miss you when you are not there. I need to see and talk to you." It could also scream controlling stalker man. "I NEED to SEE YOU ALL the TIME." Or it could say needy cling-monkey, "TALK TO ME. PLEASE" Or possibly perverted cyber freak, "So... you could take off your top..." Gifts of iSights at first are thought to be good ideas to you because she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you, but when she has that bed head and eye booger deal going on, she'll just look at the iSight and wince. Gifts shouldn't make us wince.

An Apple Cinema Display. Oh yeah. Now your talking. There's almost nothing a flat panel says that's bad. It says, "I dropped a load on your present this year..." It says, your worth the very best in Apple technology. And it says, "Give me some of that good stuff, uh huh." And this is a very good present to make up for the weed whacker you got her last year.

A G5. For when you love her more than, say about $2,000. But beware. This could reduce your together time. She'll be on the computer, installing applications, surfing the internet, playing and tweaking OS X, fondling the metal and trying to hear the fans purr. In fact. Man. Who would have time for another if one got a G5? Your girl would be on the computer all the time, refusing to eat or bathe. There would be fights about all the time she is computing, and all the attention she is not paying to your needs and desires. You would have to wash your own dishes, cook your own meals and generally amuse yourself. Now who needs that? So all you guys who have purchased G5's for your girls - DON'T DO IT. DON'T GIVE THEM TO HER. I'm just trying to save your relationships. If you send Ms. Duh all your recently purchased G5's I will gladly send you in return, a nicely written card and a box of chocolates to replace the G5, so that you may experience the good lovin' you so desire. I would sacrifice my time and effort in order to see you guys get what you deserve. Because you mean THAT much to me.

Really. I am here for you. Happy Valentines....



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