December, 2005 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Hey, howdy do.

Did you miss me? Did you really, really miss me?

Well. I'm back, and I missed me too. After a long hiatus, a respite, a sabbatical, and a stint in an Oregon based cult that had me picking fruit in peach color diapers, I'm back. And yes, we'll get back to the story later. Truly. Unless I do a dream sequence where everybody wakes up and it turns out it was all a dream and I really didn't show my boobies to a nerd.

Since I've been away, a lot of Macintosh stuff happened, didn't it? iPods and intel and all that good stuff. Actually, there has been a lot of STUFF going on. I could go on and on and on about Scooter Libby, Kansas and evolution, hurricanes, or Ted Koppel retiring, but I won't. I CAN rant about a disturbing trend I see sweeping the world like some nasty venereal disease. iPods. They are everywhere. Oh good god they are everywhere.

Now, is it just me or is all this iPod stuff just getting annoying. They all keep getting smaller, and the differences between them are getting smaller and smaller. They are being sold and given away and I can't turn around without SOMEONE calling me uncool for not having one. I've ranted about this before, but that was a while ago, and to see how this THING, this Apple THING has permeated every itsy bit of the world makes me long for those gentler times when Apple didn't put these white demons everywhere. Even the commercials saturate my day and if I hear that U2 song again, I'm just going to open my veins with a sharp paring knife.

Well, I had finally surrendered to the overwhelming and overpowering forces that want to drown the planet in iPods. There are tiny, naked pigmy Africans who have yet to touch western civilization save for the nanos that Apple had air-dropped on their remote village. If Apple can put iPods in Antarctica, then who am I to resist this monstrous force. I got one of them Shuffle iPods.

Wait, I need to amend that. I got one of them FREE Shuffles sent to me by when you join. And I was excited. Oh, bite me you people snickering in the audience, I would feel excited if I got FREE dog turds in the mail. I'm cheap and I'm proud of it.

So, I open up the box, and look at it. I get excited and put some music on it. I wore it for a few days and listen to it. The sound was surprisingly good, although I can see how I could give myself an aneurism when I accidentally bumped the volume on the click wheel and had Elvis's "A little less conversation" screaming in my ears. And since I only listen to about 40 songs on a regular basis, it seemed the shuffle's size wasn't a problem. I gave it a try even though I cannot stand to have headphones on or earbuds anywhere near me. I walked around the city with that 200 ft. earbud cord dangling from my head like some giant, dangly thing.

Then I saw myself in the mirror wearing the iPod, and I was dumbstruck. Gadzooks I looked like a dork. Thank god for reality. It was an experiment that reaffirmed that I, indeed, am not of this species. I can see the human race evolving dangly bits growing out of their ears that can attach to an iPod. Heads will become plug and play. And although, yet again, they came out with the video iPod, and I DO love my tv, I don't have any hankering to be iPodding anytime soon. Music ain't that important to me.

Now, when they start offering Babylon 5 episodes for download on the iTunes Music store..... that's a totally DIFFERENT story....



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