October, 2004 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Indiana Duh and the Black Evil Mac Ninjas
A Summer Series in Six...or So, Installments

Chapter Seven: YOINK. Hey give me my MYST back! I was playing that... what... write what? THAT? Dinna I finish that months ago? Well, crap, only three people read that stupid thi... oh. We're on? Why didn't you tell me we're on. What do I pay you for? Okay, Okay. IF I were paying you... uh... Chapter Seven: Dire Darkness Devours Desperate Duh Despite Devilishly Daringly Devious... uh uh Doodooheads...

Probing hands. EGADS. I've got probing hands.

"You better be shoving my pockets full of $20s, with dem hands all over me or I'm gonna beat you people senseless." I spoke it with authority, so to scare off my probers. And as you know, if you speak a threat with authority, it always works. Yeah. Right.

Slowly the probing hands lifted me to my feet. I was really hoping someone WOULD shove a $20 in my pocket, although rarely are the good guys laden with cash, but one can always dream. My eyes adjusted to the bit of light given off by three little laser pointers held by the hands that weren't probing my bod. I could see about a half dozen NEW nerds staring at me as if I were a can of Spam sitting on the table in a snowed-in Weight Watcher's meeting.

"NERDS!" I said out loud. Yes, that was the perfectly right thing to say to a half a dozen people in a strange, dark basement. I have a gift, you know.

"nerds..." said one of the bodies. "...we are not nerds." I'll assume he's ANOTHER head nerd, so he'll be head-nerd-of-the-basement-nerds-#1a... nah. He'll be Dexter.

"My name is Dexter."

Psychic little minx ain't I.

"I lead the rebel alliance of banded brothers against the Imperial Federation for World Domination..."

Yup. They're nerds alright.

"The force is in pursuit of you as we speak. They are a mighty and bold cabal working in secret to gain control of the world through stealth and manipulation. Their organization uses computers to slowly infiltrate businesses, homes, schools, and the occasional Red Lobster. Once a foothold has been established, then a diabolical plan is enacted, designed to make those people around them slowly dependent upon the computer for everything. Taxes, recipes, porn. It's all on the computer."

I looked at my wrist like a watch was there. "yeah... okay. sure. you mind wrapping it up, I got cartoons to watch..."

Dexter continues, "THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. We aren't some figment of your imagination or characters in a story you are writing..."

"Okay. sure. whatever."

"This threat is REAL," Dexter squeals in a high pitched girly man voice. "Everyone is dependent upon computers. Do you not see them taking over in the household? Did you not see that special on the Microsoft house, where the computer did everything from monitor the burglar alarm to wipe your butt after you went to the bathroom? These computers are poised to be the caretakers of the human race."

My meager thought processes cranked out a response. Well, after it determined that I was still hungry and now I needed to go to the bathroom.

"So wouldn't that make the COMPUTERS be the big takey overy sort of thing, and not the nerds?"

"Imperial Federation."

"Whatever Poindexter"

"Dexter, no Poin..."

"Oh Jumping Jehovah's Witnesses, whatEVER..."

"But don't you see? All these computers... they crash and break down. You know the BLUE screen of death. And you know who 'helps' you? Who brings your email back online? Who kills the 'virus' in your laptop? Who makes it all better? THE IT GUYS. The secret cabal of computer "nerds" as you so elegantly put it, have CONTROL of all the people that are brought to their knees by computer malfunctions."

My mind wrapped around this. It giggled slightly. And it coughed up some facts.

"Well, you know only about 20 to 30 percent of the population even owns a computer..."

"YOU NAIVE, NAIVE LITTLE GIRL." Dexter's voice boomed as no girly man's voice boomed before. "The world is precariously perched on Windows - from the banks to the hospitals to even the McDonald's registers.... all dependent upon the giant Information Technology industry and its devious and cunning henchman. They are so clever, they got people PAYING them to keep the computers that control their lives operating."

My eyes crossed. The little erkel had a point. That made sense.

"Yeah but..." I burbled. "Why aren't you all dastardly villainous and evil and want to do that domination thing?"

"We..." he started "are the rebel alliance who fight for freedom, we are sworn to fight the Imperi--."

"Yeah, whatever I get it. How many times have you seen Stars Wars?"

Indignant looks came over all my little mole people friends.

"But...." I said, after they protested that Star Wars had nothing to do with the situation at hand ".... none of this has anything to do with me. I have a Mac."

"Yesssss." Dexter's eyes widened in a creepy Gollumly way. "...THAT is the KEY..."

Chapter Eight: Finally, a semblance of a plot direction...



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