November, 2003 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist


It's November.

Approximately 65 days till Macworld San Francisco.

27 or so days till Thanksgiving, the day we give thanks to the Native Americans for letting us take their land.

56 or so days till Christmas.

But since we are on the brink, and not yet plummeting into the abyss of the silly season, let's look to Turkey Day as the next big hurdle to overcome before the inevitable flood that is the Santa Season. Personally, I'm not all that jazzed about Thanksgiving, just because I'm a big old pinko, liberal, politically corrected reactionary putz, and I don't want to celebrate.

I'm not jazzed about the fact that all this is celebrated with a glutton-a-thon and football.

I do dig the fact that its a day to remember all of the things we are thankful for and cleave to our bosoms all that is near and dear to us.

So, here's my list.

Employment: Thank Zeus's butthole that I am not puttering around the house, unbathed, watching reruns of Roseanne, looking for things to do whilst being a burden on the general society as I monstrously consume the resources of said society at an alarming rate, and only interacting with dogs. Now, I'm haggard and overworked, having to get up and get dressed everyday, losing sleep and chowing down on fast foods because I never have any time to do anything anymore, let alone cook.

Tomato Bisque and a Turkey club topped with a crouton parmesan mayonnaise: This is manna of the Gods. Truly. It makes my eyes cross and my tongue flop around with ecstasy. If I could have it everyday, I would sacrifice one of my pinky toes.

Macs: What can I say about a machine that gave me a career, companionship and activities to do for most of my adult life? It's my precious... yes the precious. It has allowed me to do computery stuff in an artsy way. So what that I may have developed a debilitating addiction to hardware that has brought me to the brink of bankruptcy several times. If it wasn't for Macs, I'd probably would have taken up some other addictive behavior that's not nearly as fun.

The Simpsons: Dang, in a world of ever changing chaos, its nice to see that some things will never change unless the American Public collectively gains a Masterpiece Theater sensibility.

The Internet: It has allowed me to meet and dislike a whole new universe of people I would have never had the opportunity to before. I can buy anything I want from French birth control devices to lawn tractors. If I wanted to, I can view gay midget fetish porn.

Friends: Thank Jesus, I think I have a few. Uh... probably more than a few. I think. Yeah. Just don't ask me to name any of them.

Dogs: Dogs are great. Better than family. Dogs never get drunk at family functions and pee in the potted plants. I never have to go to therapy because a dog, soused on rum tried to make a pass at me. Dogs never make me feel guilty about my career choice, or that I'm not married. Dogs never construct elaborate mind games to ensnare me in, as so to toy with my mental stability and well being. Yup. Dogs are great.

The Mothership: Ain't they great, letting me just babble on here month after month, displaying evidence galore to the whole world just why I'm not writing for MacAddict or Macworld?



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