The Mothership - Ms. Duh Monthly

March, 2007 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

The iphone.

You are talking to the wrong person, yet again, about the iphone. Or is it iPhone?

I'm about to pontificate on the iPhone, but you need to know a few things about me. I hate cellular phones. I hate them with a white hot passion of 7 suns. Well, I hate them except when I have to borrow one, then they aren't so bad. I don't own a cellular phone. I have no desire to talk to people who would need to get a hold of me so bad, that I would have to have a mobile phone to do it.

I hate you people who drive and talk on the phone at the same time. You people are dangerous and stupid looking. We once were driving to work next to a lady talking on the phone. She blew through four red lights and finally caused a gigantic accident on the fifth. I, of course, being the upstanding citizen that I am, hopped out of our car and volunteered to swear out a statement to the fuzz. That's how much I hate drivers on cell phones. If you knew how much I dislike the fuzz, then you'd know how deep drivers with cell phones irk me.

I hate the ringers because moronic people put them on the setting "freaking-loud" and either scare the wild heebeejeebees out of me or interrupt something that shouldn't be interrupted by ringing, like movies, conversations, funerals, your nephews' bris.

If I could, I would take your ringing cellphone and shove it up your... Okay. You get the idea. I think not all humans need, deserve or should have a cell phones. At least the ones that are around me.

Now ask me about the iPhone.

I love the iPhone.

You know why?

It made my Apple stock go up $9 freaking dollars a share.

This stock thing is new to me. I'm just a year out from keeping all the money in a box under the floorboards. I went to Sharebuilder.com and opened an account where it buys me a share or two every month. This was to secure me a safety net, so me and the dogs don't have to live under a bridge when I'm old and deteriorating.

I've been watching my stock - I have some others, but Apple is the star of my portfolio. Three or four times a day I check. Well. I bought it, I obsess over it. It changes 5 or 10 cents here and there. The day Apple announced the iPhone, I felt like I had just become a zillionaire. It was a high that I couldn't describe adequately unless you have Apple stock or access to copious amounts of Vicodin. It was unbelievable.

So. Buy the iPhone. It's the best phone around. Buy two, they're small. Get one for your mom, your pop, your kids, your dog. There. Whored myself out for my retirement fund.

Now. What I really think of the iPhone.

Price - $500 hundred dollars, are you freaking kidding me? They must have faith in the faithful, that they will sell kidneys to buy these stupid things. It's a cool little thingamabob. It's nice to have all your annoying little gadgets in one little annoying gadget. I'm not familiar with cell phones or cell networks, but after the initial Cingular contract, can you take this thing to some other network? And how good of a phone is it? I had heard a rumor that there was a separate battery for the iPod part and the phone part, so when you run out of juice because of the ipod, your phone still works. The whole thing, admittedly is cool, but it seems like your putting all your eggs in one basket. If you are like me, you'd lose the handset every week, and although other handsets you could probably call and someone would answer it and keep your phone for you to pick up, if you lose this thing, what are the chances you'd ever see it again? Again, I don't own a cell phone, so maybe its a world of honest, thoughtful cell phone folks that return handsets with a smile and a compassionate grin.

Carrier - Cingular? From what I heard, and its only from a demographic sampling of about three people who have Cingular, that they suck. But then I've heard another small sampling say that Verizon sucks. Then others, piped in and said that T-Mobile and Sprint sucks too. This whole cell phone world you all exist in - if your carrier doesn't suck, your phone does, if that doesn't suck then something else cellularly related is giving you tumors. I'll stick with my land line, thankkewverymuch. Although, I made one concession to the gods of technology who continually kick my butt closer and closer to the 21st century - I left AT&T/SBC and got phone service through my cable company.

Phone - Since it is basically a drawing on a piece of paper right now, with nary a phone in service, I couldn't say much about it except, I hope it works like a phone, and that little screen doesn't get scratched. I wonder about the touch screen - so touching it turns it on? Dials it? So if you have it in your purse bouncing around, can your lipstick call Tokyo or Istanbul when it dances on the screen. I think if I were to get a phone, the big selling points for me would not be whether I can locate myself with the GPS within a meter of where I am. I usually know where I am. It wouldn't be that it could serve as an iPod. I have one of those, and its not a major factor of focus in my life. And games. Well. I could go with having games on it. Come to think of it, its not a major draw that it be a phone. That would allow for people to actually call me, and that would be a turn off for me.

What is the intriguing little piece of speculation, is that this little iPhone could be the seed that leads to a device which would be a teeny little mobile Macintosh. I could go with that in a big way. A teeny little device I can be on the web with, do emails, post on forums, and maybe play little snood. If an iPhone could be an iMac in my pocket. Now THAT I would pay $500 bucks for.

I don't need an iPhone to be a phone. I need it to be an iMac.

But the rest of you. Go ahead. Buy the iPhone. Buy two if you can.