April, 2008 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

Um. Back from the dead because of the three people who emailed and said, "Sure, shit, why not finish it." And, again, neener neener, its still April.

Chapter 12: Penetrating The Very Womb of Impervious APPLE HERSELF!!!

Dear sweet Jesus, I can't get this suit off. I'm tugging at it, but when I pull up one way, something in a different location pulls at the same time. I learned I couldn't get out of it, but then I learned that if you pull here (TUG TUG) it pulls here (KNEES BUCKLE). So I did that for about 20 minutes as Gawd's own army of nerd men try to get me to pay attention.

"There is a main frame, down this hall here.." Dex pointed on the blueprint, smudging a long line in doughnut filling down the paper. "That is where you'll need to load this CD, and then you have 2 minutes to get out before the code takes effect."

"Wait, now, this sounds fairly familiar," I suddenly realized that the whole plan was contingent on "AN X-FILES PLOT?" "Oh Skippy, I got to get out of here, you are full bore looney, you know that?"

"Silence. You need to know this information..." Dex continued.

As he droned on about stealth and security and other babbling that smacked of an overly coked up D&D Dungeon Master, my small, small brain clicked on - apparently the hamster woke up and started doing the 440 on his wheel in my brain. This is a map of Apple. But I was breaking in to the "Fortress" of doom or whatever the hell. So, does that mean this secret cabal with the penchant for black jammies and a smoking hot blonde evil genius at the helm is really inside the Apple headquarters? Something wasn't right here in River City, and something CERTAINLY wasn't right about egghead here and his band of merry mole men.

"And now we'll activate the suit, and it will derive power from your biologically produced electrical system." He flipped a switch on what looked like a Passat car door key and the whole suit tightened and tingled.

"OH MY MY MY MY. How much to rent this thing on the weeeeeekennnddds?" I said.

"And the transceiver..." Dex started walking to me with the spikey butt plug thing.

"...will not touch me in a million years." I said. He dropped his butt plug.

Something nagged at my brain. This taint proper, no sir.

"And this last chip that I will implant into your neck will allow us to monitor you and the suit.."

"I'm not thinking so, if you ever want to pee standing up again."

I felt a surge and I went with it. And it wasn't like the surges I feel when my iPhone is in my hip pocket ringing in vibrate mode. I felt like a cat, and made a sudden leap towards the ladder leading to... well.... somewhere. I felt like a cat. I didn't say I felt like a particularly smart cat. I made the twenty foot leap and landed on the ladder.

"FRACKIN' A - See you in another lifetime, boys!" I cackled.

I climbed like a bunny only to reach a pipe and tunnel system that stretched on forever and smelled like a boys locker room on Fire Island. Uh ho. I seem to say that a lot, don't I?

Chapter 13: BANKRUP-- no, no. Chapter 13: I feel like I'm in an old Tron video game.



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