December, 2016 Edition

by Ms. Duh
Contributing Columnist

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… about a month ago. Yes, indeed, its the height of the holiday season, and we are in the midst of worshiping our twin gods, Visa and MasterCard.

BUT FIRST. Before I go into some slightly Macintosh related rambling, I want to just talk about the election for ONE paragraph. I promise. One paragraph. And then onto other things. Promise.

This is directed at those of you who voted for Trump. Those of you who voted as a protest, those who voted at the last minute and decided, for some reason, what the hell, and especially, to those of you who thought it was a good idea to vote for an unqualified, lying, misogynistic, racist, narcissistic giant orange cheeto for president. I am agog, and now in a semi catatonic state of “we’re so screwed”. I am horrified beyond belief and am wondering if I can just apply tequila and West Wing reruns for the next four years until our national nightmare is over. Thank you, Trump voters, of whom I can only surmise that you voted for him to watch the world burn. It’s like if you were charge more for your whopper than the man in front of you, and then you decided to have a screaming fit, smearing your feces on the counter of the burger king, as you strip down naked and set the building on fire. Wake me in four years, if there’s still a country and people haven’t resorted to nomadic wandering and cannibalism.

So, now its the time to spend some money on some Apple related crap. To make this perfectly clear, I am not like the lucky ones out in the audience who have the means to consider seriously purchasing a brand new Mac Pro and are having their butlers read them this column while they are burning 100 dollar bills to keep warm. Even if I had the money to splurge on a computer that cost THREE TIMES AS MUCH as my shitty Volvo, I don’t believe I would buy a new Mac. I don’t think you have that kind of cash either.

This is MS. DUH’s CHEAPSKATE BUYER’S GUIDE.

A NEW MAC PRO. I read somewhere, or heard somewhere, or I could just be making this up, that if you own a computer that was manufactured within the last 7 years, the speed/performance differences are negligible. There’s no way on god’s green earth I would plunk down my hard earned money for that’ll black ash tray.

Not that I would refuse to take one, if given one. That’s just inviting bad juju there by refusing a gift. But, I have realized that the bright shiny and new, sometimes isn’t the best thing. I have one of those small black trash can Macs at work. It has two monitors and 16 gbs of RAM. It doesn’t go ANY faster, in my perception, than the 2011 iMac with the 32 gb RAM and SSD. Want a new Mac? Spend your pennies on an SSD drive and all the ram your old mac can handle. SSDs are growing cheaper by the day, and like a zit on a teenager, they are growing expotentially in size.

A NEW PHONE. Dear god all mighty, if you have an iphone 5, I don’t see why you need the newest phone. Unless your blind and need a phone the size of a small dog’s head, the iPhone 5 or 5s does about the same thing as the new ones - and the best way to get one is off craigslist. Besides STDs, iPhones are the most plentiful thing being sold on craigslist.

A NEW IPOD. Seriously, I don’t know anyone who has bought one of these since 2007.

A NEW IPAD. Less than a laptop, more than a phone. Actually its probably less than a phone too. I see no reason to have an iPad. You can get a laptop. They are more versatile and more powerful. A phone and a laptop. Best place to find one is eBay. I actually saw some bargains. Okay, you caught me, I bought a few… Another hint is that you never need more than one… its a hard lesson I learned.

A APPLE WATCH. Are you kidding me?

I, myself, am not asking Santa for any Apple products. I am asking for a timing belt for a 2005 Volvo s40…